The history of child rearing is littered with carrots and sticks. I used to think the idea of putting coal in someone’s stocking must have come from our fun loving Germanic forebears, but I was wrong.
Its origin is Sicilian, from the legend of La Befana, an old lady who, seeing the bright star in the sky, sets out to find the baby Jesus with some toys as gifts. Because she goes down chimneys looking for the Christ child, she’s covered in soot. She never does find Jesus, but wanders the world looking, bestowing little presents and coal en route.
There’s an Italian candy called Carbone Dolce, that’s black as coal and almond flavored. Nowadays, it’s put into stockings as a joke – a threat no more.
Born out of parental exasperation, threats are often remembered by children with far more indignant clarity than the lessons they were supposed to teach. Slow parenting advises us to instill the rewards of delayed gratification instead.
Walter Mischel led the famous marshmallow experiments in delayed gratification at Stanford in the late 60s and early 70s. In them, young children were offered a choice between one small treat (often a marshmallow) given immediately or two small rewards if they waited until the tester returned after about 15 minutes. Follow-up studies showed that children who were able to wait longer for the rewards tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by SAT scores and educational attainment, as well as marital and job stability.
It’s always seemed suspect to me, though, that one marshmallow gobbled ten minutes too early could predict a ruined life. Happily, a 2012 study at the University of Rochester revisited the research. This time the children were divided into two groups: one was given a promise that was then broken before the marshmallow test was conducted. (They became the unreliable tester group). The second group had a fulfilled promise before their marshmallow test. (They became the reliable tester group). The reliable tester group waited up to four times longer than the unreliable tester group for the second marshmallow.
It figures that any reasonable child would know that when dealing with preoccupied, perfidious adults, the “bird in hand…” approach is the way to go. The Rochester scientists concluded that self-control has more to do with a predictable environment peopled with consistent adults than with inherent ability to resist temptation.
When our younger son was four, we were in a music store before Christmas. He saw a little red Epiphone electric guitar on the wall and wanted to play it. Afterwards, he requested that we buy it for him. We suggested that he ask Santa.
He regarded us solemnly and wondered if Santa was, well, reliable, because this was far too important to mess up. We reassured, he waited, and Santa came through. Having practiced daily for almost two decades, our son is now a successful musician.
I may make a batch of Carbone Dolce this Christmas, but I’ll offer it with no strings attached.
