We’ve all dealt with what I call Danglers.
They can’t give a straight yes or no answer to an invitation. They will try, or they will get back to us, maybe they can make it... they have so much on their plates right now.
There seems to be a trend in which people would rather not answer than to answer with a polite no. Maybe they’re softhearted and think that a little hope on the host’s part is better than none. If so, they’re wrong.
I suspect it’s just easier to ignore invitations and requests than to word a polite note of regret. But a firm answer is kinder by far than forcing someone to follow up multiple times to get your response. Stringing people along is impolite, exhausting for the host, and it’s not letting anyone down gently – rather like sneaking out the back door early without saying goodbye.
The truth is that the host really won’t miss you when you send regrets. Unless you’re the bride or groom, your presence usually just isn’t that crucial.
Another annoying response to an invitation is saying “I’ll try.” The host can’t be angry, because the guest is, in theory, putting in an effort. But “trying” does not yield up an accurate head count. And the caterer may even threaten to pull out unless he or she gets a firm number by a reasonable deadline.
So you could say something along the lines of, “I’m so sorry I won’t be able to make your event. I hope you’ll all have a marvelous time, and I look forward to catching up soon.” Hardly original, but then your host can move on.
And perhaps that’s the rub. Danglers might just suffer from Fear of Missing Out, and they don’t want to be forgotten. Perhaps they figure their “maybe” will keep them on the calendar and on their host’s mind, if not their heart.
It’s flattering to be in demand. All those pending invitations make us feel important, even loved. But stringing hosts along can put quite a dent in our popularity.
My favorite regret note was by the writer Evelyn Waugh, who sent a printed postcard that read: “Mr. Evelyn Waugh deeply regrets that he is unable to do what has been so kindly proposed.”
Perhaps he then signed it, but in any case, I’ll bet it was fun to receive in the mail - almost better than the guest himself.
